Throughout These 40 Days

The subject of religion is a difficult thing for me to discuss. I was baptised and raised Roman Catholic, but several times, when I felt as if my religion wasn't "Going My Way", I strayed from the Catholic church and tried to find myself in other religions. I have attended several different types of services: Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, Southern Baptist, Non-Denominational, Presbeterian, etc. However, I never found what I was looking for in other churches, I always came back to the Catholic Church, still un-satisfied.

Wednesday night this week was Ash Wednesday in the Catholic Faith, and I suddenly felt a calling, if you will, to attend mass. Now, it's been a while since I have attended service. For the last year or so I've made excuses all centering around the fact that I have 3 kids and my husband works on Sundays sometimes, but when I really look back, that's exactly what they were...really poor excuses. So, with my faith somewhat waivering, I felt it rather odd that suddenly I felt this calling.

So, I decided to get the babysitter to watch my two youngest children, and I took my 6 year old son to mass with me. Now, we were running late (for the reason why, see 3 posts ago with my son's shaved head) and we got there just in time for the first reading to start. Service seemed to be going as I always remembered, so at this point I still wasn't really sure WHY I felt this calling so strongly.

The beginning readings were through, and because this was Ash Wednesday, it was time for the blessing and then receival of the ashes to start the Lenten season. My son and I went up to receive the ashes and sat back down and watched the rest of the congregation continue to follow suit. Just when everyone was seated and the priest brought the ashes back up onto the alter, something started to happen. Someone who had sat there seated the whole time stood up and walked up front. It reminded me of the time I spent in the non-denominational church and people walked up front, suddenly feeling the spirit, to be healed or saved. So, after that one person walked up front, there were others that followed. People from all over the congregation that hadn't gone up to get ashes were now getting up! The priest realized what was happening and took the ashes back down and blessed all those who were coming forward.

Suddenly, I realized why I was called to mass that night. I was absolutely moved. Here were people who were sitting there in silence, suddenly relizing their faith and despite any embarassment or fear of rejection, they grasped that feeling, took a leap of faith and walked up to receive their ashes. In 27 years of attending Catholic services, I never saw anything like this.

Whether these people will turn their leap of faith into a journey, I can't say. But it really made me think about my own faith and come to a harsh realization that it's time to make some changes. That moment, I realized that the faith and feelings I was looking for in a church, I was never going to find. Everything I needed to feel was inside me all this time. I think a lot of times people look to a church or a church leader to define their faith for them, and that's ok, but it's when they expect the church to MAKE them faithful, that's when they're going to find disappointment. That's where I found MY disappointment. I was looking for a church to MAKE me believe.

SO, sitting there in the pew and observing such a beautiful thing made me aware of what I feel. I believe in God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. I am a happy member of the Catholic Faith. My belief in the Catholic church guides my faith, but my PERSONAL relationship with the Heavenly Father is what defines it. The folks who stood up to receive ashes, I would think, felt that same personal relationship.

Throughout these 40 days of Lent leading up to Easter Sunday, I am going to try to take a closer look at my relationship with God, and really give 100% to participating in my faith, so that I can ultimately enhance that relationship with Him. And, as I feel this is truly a start to my adult relationship with God, instead of giving up something for Lent, as I used to do, I'm going to follow my Grandmother's example and give back to those in need. Each paycheck during Lent, I'm going to purchase and then donate a box of food to our church's food pantry. I'm also going to spend the Lenten season crocheting an afghan for a needy family.

I encourage all of you, Catholic or any other faith, to maybe spend these days leading up to Easter Sunday, reflecting on Jesus' ULTIMATE sacrifice for us and try to think of what you can do to follow in Jesus' footsteps.

God Bless!
Jessica